Manchester City 1-3 Chelsea Match Report

Manchester City 1 Robinho 13

Chelsea 3 Carvalho 16, Lampard 53, Anelka 69

It's a showdown between the two richest clubs in the world (not counting QPR), so we might as well talk about money, I guess. Oh look, here's a copy of A New Model for Partnership in Football by Garry Cook of Manchester City.
What this marketing genius wants is this: City to become the "Virgin of Asia and the world", whatever that means; specially branded Manchester City cars (presumably with collapsing doors and square wheels); restaurants called City Eating; a range of City isotonic beverages ("City Powered, City Energy and City 24/7", he's actually seriously thought about this, hasn't he); funny City Flowers which you'd better not smell unless you want to get drenched by City Water; and a PREMIER LEAGUE WITH A MAXIMUM OF 14 TEAMS IN IT AND NO PROMOTION OR RELEGATION. Suddenly Peter Kenyon doesn't look quite as objectionable as he once did. This is some feat, right here.
Anyway, the football, which appears to be an afterthought these days, will kick off at: 5.30pm.
Manchester City give a debut to Robinho, who spent the week doing his level best to get Bolivians sent off without actually being touched, and succeeding: Hart, Zabaleta, Dunne (c), Richards, Ball, Kompany, Hamann, Ireland, Wright-Phillips, Robinho, Jo.Subs: Schmeichel, Ben Haim, Elano, Garrido, Fernandes, Evans, Sturridge.
Poor old Chelsea, who wanted Robinho but couldn't afford it, and will have to make do with Joe Cole, passed fit after being cracked upside his head against Croatia on Wednesday: Cech, Bosingwa, Carvalho, Terry (c), A Cole, Malouda, Lampard, Mikel Obi, J Cole, Deco, Anelka.Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Bridge, Kalou, Alex, Belletti, Drogba.
Non-sequitur dept. Israel's Tel Ben Haim is only on the subs bench. The United Arab Emirates does not recognise Israel as a nation state.
Robinho runs out onto the Eastlands turf, with a thousand-yard stare which in no way suggests he's suddenly realised what he's done, and we're off! City kick off and lose the ball within 12 seconds. Chelsea stroke it around the back awhile. "If Manchester City become successful on top of being super-rich, it will destroy a brand identity cultivated through much blood, sweat and unremitting failure," writes Ian Copestake, noting the thundering irony at the centre of Cook's masterpiece, A New Model for Lunacy in Football.
3 min: City can't get the ball at the moment, but no matter because Chelsea aren't doing very much with all their possession. Nice passing, though. Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, strokity, stroke: it's like watching Liverpool from the 1970s, or a film in a Soho "art" house.
4 min: Suddenly a bit of life from City, though: Wright Phillips cuts inside from the right, exchanges passes with Robinho, and nearly sets Jo free in the area. Lovely play; City will hope this is a harbinger of things to come.
5 min: Another lovely move from City, as Robinho scampers down the inside-right channel and lays off to SWP in the centre. The resulting attempt to curl into the top-right corner is well wide, but the right idea. "To look into the eyes of Gary 'Garry' Cook is to look into the eyes of Death itself," suggests Patrick O'Brien, overegging the pudding, but only by half a yolk. "Are your opening paragraphs fiction?" Nope. If I could come up with tales like that, do you think I'd be wasting them here? "It beggars belief that someone who can scientifically be proven to have an IQ in the negatives can be so well rewarded. City 24/7? Christ on a stick. Can we sink any lower?" Probably, yes, give it time.
8 min: Robinho sets Jo scooting down the left. Having started the move, he puts an end to it with a woeful attempt to meet Jo's cross, laying the ball back to a non-existent Wright-Phillips. But he's looking fresh and lively. Maybe it was all that lying down against Bolivia on Wednesday night.
11 min: Carvalho hacks Jo down right on the edge of the Chelsea D. It's a clumsy challenge, and a promising position for City. And you're not going to believe what happens next...
12 min: INEVITABLE GOAL!!! Manchester City 1-0 Chelsea. Robinho opens his City account after approximately 720 seconds. He dinks a shot towards the top-right corner. It flicks off Mikel's back and sails into the net. So simple. Cech and Terry have a blazing row about the setting up of the wall, Terry seemingly irritated that someone has had the brass neck to suggest he has done something wrong. Dear me.
15 min: INEVITABLE RESPONSE!!! BECAUSE THIS IS MANCHESTER CITY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!!! Manchester City 1-1 Chelsea. From a Lampard corner on the right, Carvalho heads towards the bottom-right corner. The ball hits the back of Joe Cole's heel and flies straight back to the big defender, who absolutely thrashes the ball into the roof of the net with his right boot. Great finish.
18 min: This is a wonderfully open game. Wright-Phillips drops a shoulder and skidaddles down the centre of the pitch. It looks like he's going to break clear but Terry stands his ground and bodychecks the winger. That looked like a free kick, but the referee isn't having any of it.
20 min: There's a bit of an edge to this game already. Terry seems to be in a very strange mood indeed. He slides in on Robinho, this time fairly, but what thump in the tackle. It's almost as if Chelsea have come out with the intention of keeping the nouveau riche in their place. Which is a bit, er, rich, but there you have it.
22 min: Super stuff from Bosingwa, who twists and turns Ball down the right and stands the ball up in the centre for Anelka. The striker's header is inexplicably high and wide; that should have been Chelsea's second.
23 min: This is a really entertaining match. Now it's City's turn to spurn a fantastic chance, Ireland blasting wildly over from the edge of the area after being set clear by a beautiful flick from Jo.
26 min: A lull. At last.
27 min: The lull doesn't last long. From an Ashley Cole cross, Malouda loops a header over the advancing Hart and off the crossbar. The ball bounces back and nestles in the prone keeper's arms. Ultra-fortunate for City, because there was no flag. Justice was done, though, because Malouda looked well offside. "Can we please change the picture of Gary Cook on the webpage?" begs a possibly suicidal Taylor Hanton. No. "Every time I hit refresh I am greeted by the sight of that lop-sided grin of his. It's a lead balloon and you know it. Perhaps some bunny rabbits, or some rainbows instead?" This is the world we live in, sorry.
30 min: Chelsea are enjoying nearly all of the possession, though they're wasting a lot of it with witless long balls down the flanks.
33 min: Very poor from Carvalho, who fannies around down the right and allows Wright-Phillips to steal away with the ball and free Jo down the right. Jo cuts into the box and tries to curl it into the top-left corner, but the effort is deflected away by Terry for a corner. The corner is a waste of my time, your time, everyone's time.
35 min: Robinho tries to swan down the right wing controlling the ball with his heels. That's just not going to work. He's miscontrolled it, basically, but the Setanta commentators coo like it's 1970 in sunny Mexico City. If he's going to be compared to Garrincha every time the ball clanks off his shin, this is going to get very tiresome.
38 min: Joe Cole tries to break free of the City back line but falls over. There's been a notable decline in quality over the past few minutes.
40 min: Hart takes a quick long throw to Robinho and it nearly ends in a goal. To Chelsea. It's intercepted by Bosingwa, then Anelka crosses from the right for Malouda, who heads weakly back to Hart. On the balance of play, Chelsea should be leading this match.
42 min: Now Anelka has a dig himself from eight yards. It's so very, very weak, not that he seems overly bothered. A study of insouciance, is Nic.
44 min: This half is just petering out. They might as well end it now.
Half time: Manchester City 1-1 Chelsea. Wright-Philips dances down the right wing and is upended by Mikel. That's the first booking of the match. Just before the whistle, Ashley Cole has a pelt from 25 yards, cutting across the ball and sending a dipping, swerving volley towards the top-right corner. The effort is only just over the bar. And then the whistle goes, to a smattering of home applause. Chelsea have been the better side by far, but then again what an entrance by Robinho.
And we're off again! And within 10 seconds or so Joe Cole tears clear down the right and nearly finds Malouda at the far post with a deep cross. We've pretty much picked up immediately where we've left off.
47 min: Robinho makes the worst pass in the history of all football, an effort to find a player five yards away which goes ten yards off target. He's gone from the sublime to the ridiculous today.
49 min: Joe Cole has a dig from distance which is deflected. The ball loops into the air, falls over the head of Richards, and to the feet of Lampard, who volleys on the turn and only just shoots over. "I met Garry Cook when he was a Nike stooge," claims A.N.Onymous. "Was most surprised to hear he'd become an executive at City as he didn't have much to say. Now I understand why. I honestly cannot remember anything interesting about him at all. Oh, he likes basketball and Michael Jordan."
51 min: There seem to be two Robinhos: the one who was a revelation at Santos, and the one who was a disappointment at Real Madrid. Santos Robinho scored in the first half, but now its Bernabeu Robinho strutting his stuff: he dances around pointlessly down the right, while Jo waits impatiently, and lays a ball into space where only space exists.
53 min: GOAL! Manchester City 1-2 Chelsea. So simple by Lampard, who drives into the box, drops a shoulder, edges the ball to the left then immediately slaps it low and hard into the centre. Typical City, I'm contractually obliged to say it.
55 min: Santos Robinho scoots towards the Chelsea area having stolen the ball from a Chelsea player I failed to identify. Brilliant. His ball towards Jo isn't great, and the move breaks down. But that was wonderfully determined play.
59 min: Lampard lifts a ball into the City area. Anelka takes it down brilliantly and is about to pull the trigger when Richards shoves him over with both hands. That should have been a penalty, but the ref isn't giving anything.
61 min: Hamann is replaced by Fernandes.
62 min: The ball is rolled out right, Pele-to-Carlos-Alberto style, to the onrushing Zabaleta. Zabaleta is no Carlos Alberto; the ball just about stays in the stadium.
64 min: Brilliant play from Wright Phillips, who cuts inside from the right, allows Robinho to pull Terry out of position, and lays the ball across to Ireland, who is free in the area. He takes a whack, but Carvalho is quick to recover and blocks the shot. That was incisive attacking, spectacular defending, and a frankly terrible effort from Ireland, who really should have scored.
66 min: Lampard has a thrash at the ball from 25 yards. The ball goes straight down the centre of the pitch, then Hart's throat.
68 min: Lampard swings a ball in from the right, Malouda heads off target for the 483rd time this match.
69 min: BRILLIANT AND DIRECT, THIS: Manchester City 1-3 Chelsea. Fast feet from Malouda in the centre, who drags the ball left and right to elude a couple of challenges, before slipping the ball forward to Joe Cole. Cole immediately swishes it further forward, sending Anelka clear; the former City striker makes no mistake and coolly slides the ball under the advancing Hart. This game is over - literally for Cole and Malouda, whose fine efforts here were their last of the match. Drogba and Belletti replace them before the restart.
73 min: Ireland takes a corner from the left which is claimed spectacularly by Cech. Why am I mentioning this total non-event? I don't know.
77 min: RED CARD! John Terry is sent off and will miss Chelsea's upcoming match against Manchester United. Standing in the middle of the City half, Deco sends a terrible pass backwards which is intercepted by Jo in the centre circle. The striker strides forward and is cynically pulled back by Terry. Carvalho was possibly covering, which lends a bit of controversy to the sending off, but either way Jo was ready to scamper clear, so Chelsea can't rage too much. And it's not as though they're going to let this slip anyway.
81 min: Chelsea reshuffle at the back, Alex coming on for the sacrificed Anelka.
83 min: Ireland cuts inside from the left, draws three men, and lays off to Ball on the edge of the area. The resulting effort is laughably bad. A real chance to pull a goal back for City, there, and it was totally wasted.
84 min: Sturridge replaces Ball as Mark Hughes goes for broke.
86 min: Bernabeu Robinho jigs down the left, but he's going nowhere this time.
88 min: City are pinging it around in pretty triangles, but the minute they get near the Chelsea box the ball is invariably lost.
90 min: Jo nearly breaks clear into the box down the left but Alex comes across and ushers the ball out of play from a corner - which is easily cleared.
Full time: Manchester City 1-3 Chelsea. Sturridge has a crack on goal from just inside the area but a Chelsea defender slides in with determination to block. "Well done Terry," cries Setanta commentator Craig Burley. With Terry off the pitch, it's pointed out that the challenge was in fact made by Alex. "Yeah, but Terry was in there as well," insists Burley, suggesting Praise For England's Brave Captain comes as default in commentary these days. Anyway, that's the end of the action; Chelsea go back to the top of the table.

From guardian.co.uk